Guess that Dilation...

So after a few years of being a nurse and doing triage, (when a patient comes in to see if they are in labor or not) I began to play a game with myself called guess that dilation. My favorite time to play this is when we have an ambulance in route. When ever we get ambulance calls we get everything ready as you never know what will roll through the doors. Sometimes it's someone bleeding so much it drips off the end of the gurney and you know your hosed...other times it's because of vaginal pain, from a yeast infections at three in the morning that required the low cost transportation of an ambulance. 

The other night we get the call and I take the poll, guess that dilation. One nurse, bless her trusting heart thinks someone is complete and ready to deliver. I say one centimeter, vaginal pain and nausea. So the paramedics, god love them they always start an IV and for that a shameless shout out of gratitude, roll this woman up and she's moaning and writhing and yep, a frequent flyer. My friend groans and know that I so just won the poll. This girl, this poor poor girl. Second baby, 11th visit to the hospital, 5 of which have been by ambulance. I don't personally know anyone who's been in an ambulance 5 times, yet we digress. The kicker was she had come to visit me earlier this evening, like 4 hours before. Not in Labor then, not in Labor now. As a matter of fact she has pain but not from contractions. Vicodin addict that was cut off by her OB. Go super sleuth, she sure didn't volunteer any of this information to me or any of the 9 other nurses she had already seen. Another friend sat and talked with her only to discover that she had been taking 6-8 tablets of Vicodin a day for three years and Trazedone for sleep, so once she got cut off it made her feel pretty lousy. So young to be a prescription drug addict...

People think we will think the pain is more severe and serious if they come by ambulance. The dead give away is when we sit and talk you and you stop moaning. Please be consistent to be convincing. Do not forget to moan and writhe while we talk. It looks suspicious. It looks even more suspicious if it gets worse when your baby daddy arrives. 

So our friend stayed awhile, till morning so that we could make a plan with her doc. In the end she was suffering and  know we will see her lots over the next four weeks. what a great use of medical resources, $1000 tablets of vicodin. What a happy birthday party we'll have once she has her baby.