The beneifts of Birth Controll pills Mixed in METH!

Meth. What a drug. An amazing and powerful drug. It rots yer teeth out and makes them all black and snaggly. HOT. I easpecially love the thin, scrawny, bad skin, straw like hair look. Meth ROCKS!

I get that sex is in fact a recreational activity. For some it is a source of employment. Unfortuanlty (for many) the bi-product of work or recreation is BABIES. Small cute helpless babies that have not a say in what happens in their lives.

I get that Addiction is strong and unintentional. I get that this is a miserable exsistence and that there is much suffering for an addict.

So here is my idea, let's mix meth with Birth Controll. I am not for forced sterilization I think people have the right to choose. So we'll even make full and clear disclosures. Our meth will be cheaper and have BIRTH controll cut right into the pills or powder or liquid or what ever form it is. I can tell you with %100 certainty that our meth will sell best.

Tonite I am tired of the methed out sketchy pregnant women with a whole list of I can'ts but you better's. It would be rain on a desert to have a pregnant lady that had a husband, not a baby daddy who's locked up or in the next room with a different baby momma. A whole labor without swear words? Like sweet rain...

Guess that Dilation...

So after a few years of being a nurse and doing triage, (when a patient comes in to see if they are in labor or not) I began to play a game with myself called guess that dilation. My favorite time to play this is when we have an ambulance in route. When ever we get ambulance calls we get everything ready as you never know what will roll through the doors. Sometimes it's someone bleeding so much it drips off the end of the gurney and you know your hosed...other times it's because of vaginal pain, from a yeast infections at three in the morning that required the low cost transportation of an ambulance. 

The other night we get the call and I take the poll, guess that dilation. One nurse, bless her trusting heart thinks someone is complete and ready to deliver. I say one centimeter, vaginal pain and nausea. So the paramedics, god love them they always start an IV and for that a shameless shout out of gratitude, roll this woman up and she's moaning and writhing and yep, a frequent flyer. My friend groans and know that I so just won the poll. This girl, this poor poor girl. Second baby, 11th visit to the hospital, 5 of which have been by ambulance. I don't personally know anyone who's been in an ambulance 5 times, yet we digress. The kicker was she had come to visit me earlier this evening, like 4 hours before. Not in Labor then, not in Labor now. As a matter of fact she has pain but not from contractions. Vicodin addict that was cut off by her OB. Go super sleuth, she sure didn't volunteer any of this information to me or any of the 9 other nurses she had already seen. Another friend sat and talked with her only to discover that she had been taking 6-8 tablets of Vicodin a day for three years and Trazedone for sleep, so once she got cut off it made her feel pretty lousy. So young to be a prescription drug addict...

People think we will think the pain is more severe and serious if they come by ambulance. The dead give away is when we sit and talk you and you stop moaning. Please be consistent to be convincing. Do not forget to moan and writhe while we talk. It looks suspicious. It looks even more suspicious if it gets worse when your baby daddy arrives. 

So our friend stayed awhile, till morning so that we could make a plan with her doc. In the end she was suffering and  know we will see her lots over the next four weeks. what a great use of medical resources, $1000 tablets of vicodin. What a happy birthday party we'll have once she has her baby.

Being Old and Loose from the eyes of a pregnant 14 year old

We will just have to move past the fact that there are 14 year olds that are pregnant. Unfortunate and troubling but we could spend eternities discussing the issues surrounding young moms and that would be neither amusing or entertaining. But the 14 year old I have in mind is.

So a sweet, sassy thing comes to us complaining of bleeding from "down there" and she scared, rightfully so. Good girl for knowing to come in and be checked out. She however is not pleased when she discovers how we check out bleeding from "down there". The dreaded speculum. Shiny metal cold duck bill. I hate the speculum. Miss thing is fairly insistent that an ultrasound is the better idea, a much better idea. After much discussion with both me and the doc d'jour, who happens to be a reasonable cute early thirties mother of twins, decide that the speculum is in fact the only way to know whats going on "down there". She cries, she kicks her feet, she then turns to reasoning and pleading. It hurts and it's cold and it has to open... I tell her that I know she doesn't want or like the speculum and that she is not alone. That we are all women and we totally understand. Trying to use casual cool language for truth be told I am a few years older than her, have a daughter older than her, yet we digress. She however explains to me and the doc that is is different for her. She says "you all are older ya know. It's different when your old. She's less experienced down there". Hmmm. She continues, I like to think blindly, she really has no where good to go with this. "Ya know when your older, your like looser down there...." So it has been called out. We are loose old women. This is a bad night night for me. The doctor gently reminds her that she is one holding the speculum...hah, we may be loose and old dammit but we've got the SPECULUM!! Exam over, tears dried she leaves. Her a baby still and her baby growing, moving, doing fine. I have a feeling she'll be a frequent flyer. A term used for those who come to see us often...Odly enough and despite the fact that she called me both old and loose, I found her extremely likable, funny and entertaining.